The Joy of Sucking Cock

Black and white picture of a kitten with a bowl of milk staring into the camera. Tongue in cheek illustration for The Joy of Sucking Cock.Last November, Girl on the Net posted this in response to an article by a guy who felt that, while going down on a woman is tricky,  “the penis is a simple thing – it’s hard to get things completely wrong.”

Girl on the Net did a brilliant take-down of that bit of silliness, which I totally recommend reading. So, why am I bothering to write a post about this when GotN already did it so well?

I’m not actually. Her article got me thinking. One of the things I love best about oral is that anyone can do it in a way that is authentic to them. Here’s what I mean….

Sucking cock is often thought of as a form of submission, but it can also be a spectacular way to top someone (“I don’t care how badly you want to come down my throat. Don’t.”). It can be a sweet, Sunday morning blow job or a filthy face fucking in a bathroom stall. It can be a homecoming or a good-bye. It can be reverent or carnal. It can be anything you and your partner need it to be. In fact, some of the most memorable sexual moments of my life have been blowjobs because they were authentically perfect for the finite moment we were in.

I’ve written before about how my first time giving head wasn’t fantastic and that it wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I gained a real understanding of what I call The Joy of Sucking Cock ™. Up to that point, my experiences with giving head were tinged with insecurity. I approached each one feeling as if I didn’t know what I was doing, but that I’d better figure it out, which is why those early years were more about experimentation than enjoyment.

It wasn’t until I made a sloppy, chaotic mess of it that I really understood how wonderful sucking cock can be, because my sloppy, chaotic mess turned him into a writhing, desperate shadow of his control-freak self. That’s when it finally clicked and a feedback loop formed – his pleasure gave me pleasure, which gave him pleasure and so on…. It’s that feedback loop that I crave now when I give head (or have any kind of sex) – the mutual enjoyment that turns us both into animals until someone comes.

That’s why I rarely think about what I’m doing. Sort of like how you’re not supposed to ask the caterpillar how it walks, I try not to pay attention to anything but my partner and what feels good at the time. If you ask me to do that thing with the roof of my mouth again, I probably won’t know what you’re talking about but the odds are that I’ll accidentally do it again because it feels good. That’s The Joy of Sucking Cock.

Screen Shot Google Search "blow jobs" 1/19/16

Screen Shot Google Search “blow jobs” 1/19/16

So, let’s drill down into why this is important. We live in a culture where, for better or for worse, the emphasis in mainstream media has been placed on prowess rather than enjoyment, which is why newsstands are full of women’s magazines selling the arcane wisdom you’ll need if you want to “blow his mind”.

Even if we set aside the subtly toxic, hetero-normative fact that these articles place the emphasis on the woman’s ability to perform [insert sex act here] like a pro, the paradigm is still problematic because these articles aren’t nearly as empowering as they initially appear to be. They are, in fact, disempowering because underlying the conveyance of the must-have information is the implication that if you’re not doing it “like this”, you’re doing it wrong.

“Like this” can be anything from using vise-like suction, (thanks, Cosmo), to looking at him while you suck his cock because “he’ll think it’s hot”.

What’s wrong with using (non-injurious levels of) suction or looking up at him while you give him head? Absolutely nothing. Those are legitimately awesome (and super hot) things. What I object to is the emphasis on her performance rather than their mutual enjoyment.

That’s really at the heart of this for me – the mentality that sex is, in the end, something you perform, rather than enjoy. It’s as if we’re all supposed to be mainstream porn stars rather than regular people engaging in a super pleasurable, shared activity. This emphasis on performance is the biggest reason for my ambivalence about oral when I was younger. Without even realizing it, I’d absorbed the assumption that there is a “right” and a “wrong” way to do it, which fed my insecurity, which got in the way of our mutual enjoyment, which blocked the feedback loop, and so on.

I mean, let’s face it, outside of keeping your teeth off his cock (unless that’s been negotiated beforehand), there is no one perfect, blow-his-mind technique. There are only the things you try and he loves, and that changes with every partner and, quite possibly, every blowjob. Knowing and discovering those individual ticks is a massive pleasure that has nothing to do with performance. It has to do with pleasure – yours and his. That’s where The Joy of Sucking Cock is.

27 comments

    1. Thank you, Ms. F! The fact that these magazines keep selling misinformations as if it were the sexual gospel drives me crazy. The fact that enjoyment really *is* so individual is a critical factor in everyone’s sexuality. xxx

  1. Yes, this is bang on the mark. Concept of sex as a physical performance has set me up to believe I will therefore inevitably fail at it and has damaged it for me immensely – I’m pretty sure it’s why I rarely come during sex. Thank you for writing this.

    1. Thank you so much. I suspect that more girls and women than not have been affected negatively by this sort of prescriptive advice. It’s amazing how insidious the damage can be.

  2. All of the YES to this post. My first BJ experience back when I was a teen was a fairly forced affair, he talked me into it because ‘he had forgotten the condoms’. I felt horribly uncomfortable with it and it put me off for ages. It was not until I was in my 30’s and exploring life as a single woman that I suddenly hit on the whole feedback loop thing. It completely changed my view of sucking cock from something I did because he liked it to something I wanted to do because it was seriously fucking hot for both of us. I love sucking cock and no two men have, in my experience, liked the same thing. There is no right way, only the way that works in that moment for the two of you. It is about learning, listening, responding, tuning in to someones reactions and pleasures and getting lost in the whole joy of giving pleasure.

    Mollyxxx

    1. Thank you, Molly! You nailed it – it really is all about listening and response, not just with oral, but with all sexual activity. I wish this was acknowledged in the news-stands more. It’s so frustrating that they keep selling these tired, unhealthy scripts.
      xxx

    1. It’s a fantastic piece. I think it’s really important to hear about this from a guy’s point of view too – it’s not as if the assumption that all cocks are the same isn’t damaging to men too!

  3. Great perspective, I may have to finish writing the post I have in my drafts about giving oral sex to a girl (and in part bemoan that there isn’t a comparable term to “Blow Job”)

  4. You’ve explained so much of my early sex life. I read stuff like Cosmo like it was a bible, then tried to emulate porn stars, but it felt incomplete until I let go, as you describe.

  5. I love this. You already know how much delight I take in sucking cock. I was very lucky in that the first time I did it, it was my own wish to do it and I thoroughly explored his cock and based my actions on his feedback. This was as a teen who hadn’t watched any porn and my only knowledge of a blow job had been watching my friend suck her boyfriend in a threesome. Not having any rules or expectations was wonderful.

    The Cosmo/click bait articles and how-to sessions make me giggle. I can’t help but imagine something along the lines of the Pilates classes that I used to go to. We all had to move in unison led by the instructor. I now imagine how-to classes with – “And down slowly on the count of four. Hold and tense. Raise one, two, three, four. Breathe in and rotate. Lower, two, three, four and hold…”

  6. I’m not claiming to be representative of any man other than me, but rest assured, when I am getting my cock sucked, or engaging in any sexual act for that matter, I am not waiting, post-coitally, to brandish a benumbered paddle, a la Len Goodman, and shout out “SEVEN” in an exaggerated tone. I really feel no need to quantify my enjoyment. My contented moans and post-orgasm deep, relaxed breathing should be all the confirmation required… 😉

    KW

  7. The emphasis “on prowess rather than enjoyment” as you put it is one of the biggest problems in our sexual culture today. And it’s so ingrained now that it’s hard to imagine an effective way of demolishing it.

    Great post.

  8. You make a powerful point when talking about the feedback loop and mutual pleasure. To me, the heart of sexual activity is about making a connection. And if a person checking off a “to do” list of techniques, are they really making a connection with the other person? Nope. I think you can learn techniques from magazines, books, and movies — and be inspired to try something new. But connecting with the other person is learning about what specific things turn them on. And everybody is different. Which can make learning those things frustrating if the other person doesn’t do a good job of communicating their wants. But once you get to know those specific arousals, it’s wonderful to feel pleasure about giving pleasure.

    1. You brought up a great point – that it really helps if your partner is able to communicate what they love and what they want. The whole idea of oral sex being about one partner acting while the other is passive totally misses that connection you mentioned. That connection is sort of like a live wire between you and your partner. That’s when it gets really good, but it needs both partners to be active and present if it’s going to work!

  9. The thing I learned about sucking cock that it isn’t just about the guy you’re doing it to and that that the “right way” to do it is whatever way brings you the most pleasure and as a result, the other guy. I don’t think when I do it outside of, yup, I’m gonna have fun doing this! They say it’s an act of submission but I never thought so, not when I can say to him, “Don’t move or else!” or just stop when he starts doing something to interrupt my groove; when mouth meets cock, he’s at my mercy, not the other way around (insert evil laughter here).

    Great posting!

Leave a Reply